


couldn't hurt less than this

by cursingcursive (queenradi)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Talk of homophobia, it's happy i swear, post the wedding ep, that kind of stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 07:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6461710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenradi/pseuds/cursingcursive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus Bane has lived a very, very long life, and that life has included the nastier parts of history. Magnus Bane has lived through all of the hard times, and Alec’s stomach rolls when he thinks about the specifics of those bad times. The specifics of what Magnus has seen and lived.</p>
            </blockquote>





	couldn't hurt less than this

**Author's Note:**

> i blame [these](http://thisloveistainted.tumblr.com/) [two](http://povverbottoms.tumblr.com/) for this, but whatever.
> 
> also, kindly disregard everything that happened at the end of the Malec Episode... Lydia is safe... The Cup isn't a thing that happened... 
> 
> everything else, though, keep that. it's important.

The first time it happens, Alec doesn’t catch it. Not at first, because Magnus says it so casually and while magic is sparking from his fingers. Alec’s paying attention more to the wards Magnus is putting up, not the words he’s saying. 

Jace is with them, and he’s saying something about being proud of Alec for saying “fuck it” and ruining his own wedding. It’s a very Jace thing for him to say, Alec has to admit. It would warm his heart if he weren’t still shaking from the encounter with his mother. 

He replies with some short answer about how he just turned off all rational thinking. Magnus chuckles (his heart flops uselessly) and drifts off down the hallway. His words don’t register until he’s magicking another ward on the wall, and when Alec finally understands, he freezes. 

“There was a time when we never would have gotten away with that stunt you pulled,” echoes in his head. He watches Magnus, heart stoppingly beautiful and charismatic and powerful Magnus, and he remembers with a start that he’s old. 

He winces at his own internal word choice. “Old” may be accurate, but it’s crude in its description. Magnus Bane has lived a very, very long life, and that life has included the nastier parts of history. Magnus Bane has lived through all of the hard times, and Alec’s stomach rolls when he thinks about the specifics of those bad times. The specifics of what Magnus has seen and lived. 

Jace and Magnus are halfway down the hall, now, talking over the blue sparks of magic and the crackling glow of the wards. Alec watches them a moment longer; his parabatai and the warlock he’s traded his family name for, and he wonders if Magnus thinks Alec is worth years and decades and centuries of persecution.

He can’t imagine that he would be. 

 

+

 

The second time it happens it’s on their first date, and Raphael is there for reasons Alec still hasn’t quite deciphered. They’re at Pandemonium— the music is thumping through Alec’s bloodstream as much as the alcohol is, and he’s pretty sure Magnus’s hands are sparking where they grip his waist. There’s glitter all over both of them, the result of some Seelie girls twirling past them earlier. 

Alec has no idea how long they’ve been at the club, but it doesn’t matter. He’s creeping up on drunk, and Magnus is dancing against him with a crooked smile and silver-lined eyes, and for the first time in a long time Alec isn’t thinking about anything. 

Well, he’s thinking about kissing Magnus right on his crooked smile again, but it doesn’t really count. It can’t count, not when Magnus curls a hand on the back of Alec’s neck and the music flares up around them and Alec’s heart flings itself against his ribs in time with the press of Magnus’s lips on his. 

This kiss is deeper than the one at the wedding. Alec lets Magnus part his lips and slide into his mouth, lets Magnus envelope him and breathe into him and overwhelm him in all of the right ways. 

He can’t believe he ever tried to stay away from this— from Magnus. Now, he’ll never be able to leave. 

They break away long enough for Magnus to grin and say, “Shall we get another drink? I can’t taste the last one.” 

Alec tries to think past the haze of alcohol and “ _ Magnus Magnus Magnus _ ” clouding his brain. “What?” 

Magnus laughs. He leans up and in to say, “On your mouth. I can’t taste the drink, anymore,” against Alec’s ear. 

He shivers. His hands slide around to Magnus’s back and fist into the fabric of his shirt. “Yeah. Okay.” He can’t even remember the taste of his last drink. It’s been chased away by Magnus. 

They fight through the pulsing crowd to the bar, Magnus tugging Alec along with a hand closed over his wrist. Alec follows him closely, resisting the strong urge to press himself along Magnus’s back and wrap his arms around him. 

At the bar Magnus orders two drinks that Alec doesn’t catch the name of. Then he turns to face Alec, leaning back, reaching out and sliding his arms around Alec’s neck. “Where were we?” he asks. 

Alec’s pulse leaps. He bites his lip, smiling. His hands brush against Magnus’s ribs. “I was here,” he says, and then leans in. 

He’s halted abruptly by someone saying his name. He jerks away from Magnus and turns towards the source of the voice, and when he sees Raphael he frowns. “What—?”

Magnus starts. His hands fall from Alec and he moves closer to the vampire. Alec lets him go reluctantly, already longing to continue what would be their third kiss. 

“Raphael,” Magnus says. “Do you need something?” 

Raphael stands out in the club, because he’s wearing a very formal suit and he’s not covered in glitter. He’s also frowning, his jaw visibly clenched, and Alec’s stomach swoops. Something isn’t right. 

“Simon is at the Institute,” Raphael says over the music. “With Clary.”

“Is everything okay?” Alec asks. “Did something happen?” 

Raphael shakes his head. “They’re fine. Calm down, Golden Boy. I just—” His eyes go back to Magnus. “I heard you were here. I didn’t know you were with him.” He nods at Alec. 

“What do you need?” 

Raphael’s face shifts and Alec thinks he’d be blushing if he weren’t undead. “I was hoping to have a repeat of those days when we would get blackout drunk and pretend everything in the world was in our favor.” 

Magnus’s face splits into a grin. He hooks an arm around Raphael’s neck and tugs him closer to the bar and to Alec. “My friend,” he says graciously, “I am here to help you forget that you’re not human, if that’s what you want.” He tells the bartender to bring over a tray of shots, and Raphael smiles. 

“You two do this often?” Alec asks. He finds it cute, in a way. He’d never thought about Magnus and Raphael being friends, but now it’s obvious that they must be. You don’t ask a stranger to get you wasted. 

“Every few years,” Magnus says. “When being immortal is more of a curse than anything.” 

“It’s always a curse,” Raphael says. He’s knocking back a shot before Alec even realizes they’ve been served up. 

Magnus slides one to Alec and then swallows his own. His arm is still around Raphael. “Remember in ‘75 when we found that gay bar in Seattle and we went to it every night for a week?” 

Raphael snorts. “And then the cops came by one night and we didn’t see each other for eighteen years?” 

Magnus waves a hand through the air absently. “That’s not the point. The  _ point _ —”

Alec doesn’t hear it. He stares at them, his mouth parted. They’re talking about it so casually, this small thing that isn’t small at all. His shot glass remains untouched and full of alcohol while Raphael and Magnus continue talking. He can’t stomach it, not right now. 

How much has Magnus  _ really  _ dealt with? How much has he  _ really _ seen, in his very long lifetime? 

He doesn’t have long to be concerned about it, because Magnus is dragging him and Raphael onto the dancefloor again. Within minutes, they’re a triangle of tipsy dancing and crooked smiles, and Raphael is swept away by a boy with purple hair, and Magnus hauls Alec into their third kiss and the horrible, horrible world melts away under their hands. 

 

\+ 

 

The third time, it’s hardly more than a week later and Alec is running errands for the Institute. Or he’s supposed to be, at least. He’s a little distracted, at the moment, because one of the errands involved going to Magnus and asking him to examine an artifact confiscated from a young vampire. The analysis of the artifact had taken only a few minutes, but the entire process was lengthened do to the fact that Magnus straddled Alec where he sat on the couch and kissed him so hard he could barely breathe. 

They pull away slowly and Alec blinks up at Magnus, his head spinning, hands fisted in Magnus’s shirt. “Oh,” he says. 

Magnus smirks. He ducks down and kisses Alec’s jaw, his neck, and bites the rune there. Alec flinches with a small gasp, every nerve ending in his body lighting up unexpectedly. “I missed you,” Magnus says against the sensitive skin. 

“It’s been—” Alec gasps again when Magnus tongues the rune gently. “It’s been five days, Magnus.”

“Are you saying you didn’t miss me, too?” Magnus sits up again and leans their foreheads together. His hands slide up into Alec’s hair. He’s smiling sweetly. 

Alec swallows. His stomach flutters when he meets Magnus’s gaze. “I’m not saying that,” he whispers. 

“That’s good.” Magnus leans back in. Alec kisses him back slowly, his hands pressing into Magnus’s lower back, his whole body singing at the warm weight of the warlock in his lap. 

He pulls away before the kiss can deepen any more, and Magnus pouts. 

“What?” he complains. 

Alec laughs. His cheeks are warm. “Do you want to go get lunch?” he says. The words are breathless and trip a little on their way out of his mouth. 

Magnus’s smile knocks his heart into high gear. “Yes.”

They end up at a small sandwich place a block from Magnus’s loft. It’s bustling with customers, a Saturday lunch rush unique to Mundane establishments. Alec tries not to feel exposed, with his runes and without his weapons, but Magnus is a solid presence at his side and being out in the world isn’t so daunting when Magnus’s fingers spark blue for a split second before they order. 

Alec bites back a grin. 

They sidle down the counter to wait for their food. Alec rambles about the time he and Isabelle paused mid-hunt to eat at a McDonald’s at three in the morning. Their parents and the Institute had been livid, but they’d never eaten a Big Mac before and Isabelle was adamant that they try one. She was also adamant about the timing, and Alec was helpless against her. 

The story is making Magnus laugh and his smile is lighting up his face and Alec  _ adores  _ him. 

“I’m surprised Isabelle got you to rebel in such a way,” Magnus teases. 

Alec’s cheeks warm. He shakes his head. “So am I, but she can be convincing when she wants to. And by convincing I mean she offered to do my chores for a month.” 

Magnus laughs again. “You Lightwoods are persuasive creatures.” 

“No, that’s just Izzy.” 

One of Magnus’s eyebrows lifts alluringly. His eyes sparkle, and Alec thinks it’s more than the shimmery eyeshadow that makes them do it. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Alexander.” 

“I don’t think—”

Several things happen in quick succession: Magnus reaches for Alec’s hand; the waiter appears with their sandwiches; Alec jerks his hand away from Magnus’s in a way that is unmistakable for anything other than fear; Magnus flashes him a look of something Alec doesn’t want to name; and the waiter says, “Here you go, guys. Have a nice day.” 

Alec spins on his heel and walks away, panic flooding his body, his heart in his throat. His body is numb. He’s aware of Magnus grabbing their food and chasing after him, but there’s a voice in his head that drowns everything out. It’s something along the lines of “incredibly stupid, look at that, exactly zero people are surprised.” 

Magnus catches up to him and walks at his side, silent. Alec’s heartbeat is in his ears. He swallows around the lump in his throat and blindly reaches for Magnus’s hand. Their fingers tangle together and Alec squeezes. Magnus squeezes back, still not speaking. His palm is soft against Alec’s. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec says quietly. He squints into the sun, unwilling to meet Magnus’s eyes. “I don’t know why I did that.” 

“I do.” Magnus presses closer, their linked hands swinging gently between them. “Believe me Alec, I understand.” The use of Alec’s preferred name makes him turn. Magnus has a strange look on his face, like he’s somewhere that isn’t quite where they are. “I did the same thing, for the longest time. Even when I didn’t have to.” His thumb strokes over the back of Alec’s hand. “It’s not something you unlearn overnight.” 

“Magnus,” Alec says. They’re almost back to the loft. “I didn’t—” 

“Don’t,” Magnus says. “I know what you’re thinking, Alexander, and quite frankly, I think I’d like it better if we ate our lunch and made out on every flat surface in my house.” 

A blush washes over Alec’s face. He can feel it creeping down his neck, and he tries to tame the shy smile on his lips. “That sounds good,” he says. 

“Wonderful.” Magnus tugs him into the building, tugs him up the stairs, tugs him into the loft, and then he stops tugging and starts pushing until Alec is against a wall and the bag with their lunch is carelessly tossed to the floor and—

Alec grabs at Magnus’s hands and twists their fingers together. Magnus smiles into his mouth and pushes at him. Alec flips them around so Magnus is against the wall, their linked hands pinned on either side of his head. 

“Well,” Magnus gasps. 

Alec kisses his throat. His whole body is singing with warmth, with happiness that this is something he gets to  _ do _ , now, and he gets to do it whenever he wants. Well, almost whenever. Close enough to whenever. He’s not picky. 

“If I can kiss you in front of the Clave—” Alec bites Magnus’s neck as gently as he can manage, feels the warlock shiver and gasp. “—then I can hold your hand in public,” he promises. 

Magnus laughs breathlessly. “No pressure, darling.” 

“Of course not.” 

The sandwiches stay on the floor for a little longer than intended, but Alec doesn’t care. He can’t, not when Magnus is sporting three beautiful bruises on his neck and Alec’s mouth is still tingling from how long and hard they kissed. 

 

\+ 

 

Alec doesn’t mean to hear, the fourth time. 

Magnus and Raphael and a whole host of other warlocks and vampires are in the Institute, for an official meeting with the Clave concerning the Accords. The meeting is due to start in fifteen minutes, and will last as long as it takes. Alec’s parents were barely granted permission to be present, so it isn’t a shock to anyone when Alec and Isabelle are barred from the meeting. 

That doesn’t mean they can’t hover outside the courtroom, though. And because the meeting hasn’t actually  _ started _ yet, there are clusters of vampires and warlocks and Shadowhunters lingering outside. It makes for some prime eavesdropping. 

Alec is very aware of Magnus’s presence at this meeting, but he hasn’t seen him since the Downworlders were called to the Institute. He’s not entirely sure if he wants to see Magnus before the meeting is called; it will set them both on edge, send them both into flurries of distraction and wishful thinking. 

He and Isabelle are discreetly listening in on a pair of vamps complaining about their newfound cooperation with the werewolves when Alec catches a snippet of Magnus’s voice. 

“— can’t blame yourself, and you can’t blame him. There’s only so much he can handle, right now.”

“Yeah, and this was just the cherry on top.” It sounds like he’s talking to Raphael, and it also sounds like Raphael is upset. Angry, almost.

Alec subtly angles himself away from Isabelle and towards the source of Magnus and Raphael; they sound like they’re standing just around the corner. 

“Just give him time, Raphael.”

“Like you gave Alec time?” 

Alec sucks his breath in through his teeth. Who are they talking about?

“As far as you know, Simon isn’t getting married to someone he doesn’t love, and you’re not going to crash the wedding and piss off half the Clave with your ‘Downworlder shenanigans’.” 

“I don’t think shenanigans is the right word,” Raphael mumbles. 

Alec agrees, distantly, but a much bigger part of him is stuck on the fact that they’re talking about  _ Simon _ . He glances sideways to Isabelle, and wonders if she has any idea what’s going on. Not that he’s going to  _ ask _ . Not yet, anyway. 

“My _ point _ ,” Magnus is saying, “Is that you’re fine. You’ll be fine! And he’ll be fine.” 

“The last time you said that to me we got arrested for public indecency.” 

“It wasn’t  _ indecent _ , we were just—”

“It was nineteen fifty two, Magnus,” Raphael snaps. “We’re lucky some Mundane called the cops instead of trying to shoot us on the spot.” 

Alec flinches away, his stomach rolling. They can’t be talking about—

“When you put it that way,” Magnus says, his voice pensive. “But you know what, times are different. Simon will overcome this sexuality crisis just like he overcame the vampire one, and before you know it—”

“If you make a sucking pun, I swear to God—”

“—you’ll be sucking more than just blood!” 

“You’re a goddamn  _ High Warlock _ , where is your dignity?”

Their voices suddenly come closer, and Alec scrambles back to Isabelle’s side. She flashes him a confused look, but he doesn’t have time to respond or make up an excuse for his current state, because Magnus and Raphael round the corner and Alec very conveniently loses every bit of breath in his lungs.  

“Alexander!” Magnus’s entire being lights up when he sees Alec. He saunters up to him and hooks a hand around the back of his neck. Alec allows himself to be tugged down, lets every thought in his head disappear when Magnus’s smile presses against his mouth. 

“Hi,” he says dumbly. His hands flutter uselessly in the air for a second before settling on Magnus’s waist. 

“When this hellish meeting is over,” Magnus says, “would you care to come back to my place for a few drinks and something far less dignified?” His hands are in Alec’s hair. 

Alec can’t say no, so he doesn’t. 

 

\+ 

 

The fifth time doesn’t really count. Alec is ready for it. In fact, if he’s perfectly honest, he’s the main reason it even happens. 

Magnus is flitting about the kitchen in nothing but Alec’s sweatpants and an apron too fancy for cooking. His hair is sticking up in all directions, courtesy of Alec’s enthusiastic pulling and mussing, and there are a couple prominent, colorful bruises and bites on his collarbones. 

Alec isn’t sure what he’s cooking, but it’s spicy and sizzling and Magnus seems very excited to make him eat it, so he’s excited. Mostly. Magnus has never cooked anything for him before, and he’s never heard of Magnus cooking at all, and the last time he ate a homecooked meal it was concocted by Isabelle. He doesn’t have much to go off of, right now. 

He sits on one of the barstools in the kitchen, elbows leaned on the counter, in nothing but his boxers. The situation feels far more provocative than it actually is, and the memory of what they’d been doing half an hour before still has a blush flaming over Alec’s cheeks. 

He hadn’t been aware that Magnus was so… bendy. 

His blush deepens even further, and he shakes himself free of the previous hours. Magnus is humming something, and he’s poking at the pan on the stove with a spatula, and Alec can only see his back but it is a  _ lovely _ back and he wants to get up and kiss it. 

“Alexander,” Magnus hums.

“Yeah?” Alec tries to convince his relaxed muscles to move him over to Magnus, but there is barely enough energy in him to keep him sitting up right. 

“Could you get me the paprika from the cabinet?” Magnus points with the spatula, at one of the many cabinets above the sink and stove. 

Alec makes a sound that even he isn’t quite sure is a sound of agreement. He keeps watching Magnus, lets the blush deepen while imagining—

“Hey,” Magnus says. He flashes a grin at Alec over his shoulder. “I didn’t break you, did I?” 

Alec smiles, slow and lazy and happy. “Maybe. I can’t tell yet.” 

“Well.” Magnus turns back to whatever it is he’s cooking. “Can you get the paprika or not?” 

He manages to stumble down from the barstool and through the kitchen. His tired muscles ache when he stretches to get the desired seasoning, and when he hands it to Magnus he shuffles over to lean on him. 

“You’re like a dog,” Magnus chuckles. He tugs Alec’s arms around his waist and goes back to poking the contents of the pan with his spatula. He shakes some of the paprika in, and Alec watches silently from where his face is tucked in Magnus’s neck. 

If you’d asked Alec where he saw himself after his wedding, this is definitely not one of the first things he would have come up with. Wrapped up in Magnus, still basking in the afterglow of… “undignified things”, with the lingering burn of Magnus’s mouth all over his skin… Alec wouldn’t have even considered this an option, a couple months ago. 

He would have wanted it, though. By the Angel, he’d wanted it so badly, even then. Even when he wouldn’t allow himself to want it. 

Now, he flattens his palms against Magnus’s lower stomach. Now, he kisses the side of Magnus’s neck, his jaw, back down to his shoulder and bites there, gently. Now he lets himself revel in everything Magnus is giving him, everything Magnus is allowing him to want. 

He watches Magnus stir the concoction one last time, and then place a lid over the pan and turn the heat down. Then Magnus turns in his arms, his face tilting up and a smile making Alec’s heart do strange things in his chest. 

Magnus backs him against the other counter. Alec cups his face and they laugh, softly, and Alec closes his eyes when Magnus leans up to kiss him. It’s quiet, and calm, all of the heat and franticness already spent on what they’d done earlier. Now it’s soft touches and Alec’s hands in Magnus’s hair and Magnus with his hands on Alec’s hips. 

A thought occurs to Alec. He pulls away, thumbs brushing Magnus’s cheekbones. The glitter on his eyelids is smeared down, and Alec knows there will be sparkles on his thumbs when he pulls away. 

“What?” Magnus asks. He has the same blissed out smile Alec does.

“I have a question,” Alec says. 

“Is it an ill-timed marriage proposal?” Magnus is smirking. Alec hates him. 

“Ha ha.” Alec leans in and nudges their noses together. “It’s a real question.” 

“Ask away, darling.” 

Alec kisses him, just once, quick, and mumbles, “Are you happy?” 

There isn’t a second of hesitation. Magnus says, “Yes,” and kisses Alec again. 

His heart does the same strange thing from earlier, only it keeps going because Magnus keeps talking, in between the kisses he lights upon Alec’s mouth. “I haven’t been this happy in years, Alexander,” he’s whispering. “ _ Years _ . I used to avoid this, used to pretend that I didn’t feel anything like this…” His smile burns against Alec’s skin. “I used to be so scared.”

“I think you had every right to be,” Alec says quietly. His hands slide down and cup the back of Magnus’s neck. 

Magnus nods slowly. His eyes are wide. “I suppose I did. But now…” He surges up and kisses Alec. “I feel like I don’t have a single thing to fear.” 

Alec knows exactly what he means. He’s a Shadowhunter, and when he leaves this apartment and Magnus, he’ll be fighting to protect the entire world from demons and evil. He knows danger; he knows  _ fear _ , despite what everyone says about it. Alec knows what it means to be scared. 

But right now… Right now, he has nothing but Magnus, and it feels like it’s all he’ll ever need. 

“I’m happy, Alec,” Magnus promises him. His hands are warm on Alec’s waist, his mouth inviting where it smiles up at him. Magnus’s eyes are shining. He’s breathtaking. 

“So am I,” Alec says. 

 

+

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i really like the idea of magnus and raphael being friends, leave me alone. 
> 
> i also have a really long malec au coming in about a week... just so you know... be prepared...


End file.
